Conflict; what a word. Just the simple
mention of it brings to mind images of battle, arguments, and situations where
feelings get hurt. However, the word, conflict, nor the feelings and thoughts
that are associated with it have to be all that bad. There are times, a lot of
them in fact, where conflict is a necessary part of daily interaction. With a
solid understanding of why conflict occurs, and a good ethical foundation,
conflicts can be acknowledged, worked through, and forgiven if not always
reconciled. The anger and stress that comes from conflict can be dealt with and
handled properly to better suit the desired outcomes from a conflict situation
and the climates that can be created from an unhealthy conflict situation can
be manipulated to better suit healthy conflict situations. An understanding of
what conflict and why it occurs, how ethics can impact decisions mate in
conflict situations, how stress and anger can be beneficial to conflict, how
the climate of a conflict situation can add to the conflict itself, and how
forgiveness can be achieved in conflict while proving beneficial to the
forgiver can greatly increase the chances of having beneficial conflict that
allows for growth.
To begin to understand how conflict
can promote growth between the people involved in the conflict a person must
first understand just what conflict is. While it is hard to define conflict in
a specific, one sentence definition, one can define conflict in a broad sense
as a confrontation, disagreement, or type of physical abuse where the parties
involved may express anger, have hostile reaction, or ignore the other leading
to unresolved situations or, potentially, growth and understanding through
reconciliation (Cahn & Abigail, 2007).
Conflicts can be as small as a schedule
change that interferes with previous plans. When the cable guy tells you he can
be at the job by ten in the morning and he does not show up till three in the
afternoon is an example of this. Or conflict situations can be as large as a
disagreement between two international corporations about the purchase price of
one versus the fair market value. Each conflict situation requires different
skill sets to be able to handle the challenges that are being faced. Yet,
without an understanding that there is a conflict or how to resolve the
conflict, the parties involved in them, big or small, will have no idea how to
get the desired results.
I have handled several of these
types of conflict both at the business and professional level. The largest of
them came for me five years ago when my father and I opened up a restaurant
together. Before I knew there was a conflict between the ways we managed
business, we had clashed, argued, and cut all business and personal ties with
each other. If I had had a better understanding of what conflict is and how
such conflicts can escalate we may have been able to sit down and discuss the
issues at hand before emotions and misunderstandings got carried away.
Conflict is deeply seeded in all
lives. Being able to understand that there may be a conflict is what prepares
the individual for conflict situations, allowing them the time and resources
necessary to sit down, evaluate the situation, and confront the other parties
involved before tempers get flared.
Just because conflict situations can
be recognized does not mean that people involved in them do not have tempers or
feel stress when confronted with conflict. But, according to Peter J. Vernezze,
of the Weber State University Department of Philosophy, among other researchers
of the topic, anger is a good thing (Vernezze, 2008). An individual who was
angry “at the right things and with the right people and for the right amount
of time” is said by Aristotle to possess “good temper,” (Vernezze, 2008). Joel
Garver wrote in his piece about Aristotle on anger that “those who are not
angry at the things they ought to be angry at are thought to be fools,”
(Garver, 2012).
Anger can be an ally in conflict
situations. Anger can give the motivation necessary to drive ones willingness
to stand up for their belief. Though it is believed that anger is “the usual
precursor to aggression,” and that it may lead to interpersonal violent actions
such as harming someone else physically, emotionally, or mentally (Cahn &
Abigail, 2007), for conflict, anger is a natural response that needs to be
controlled. The Conflict Resolution Network provides four key points to
remember when trying to manage emotions during a conflict situation. These four
points include a set of five questions that one should ask themselves when
faces with an emotional conflict situation. They are:
1) Why am I feeling so angry / hurt
/ frightened?
2)
What do I want to change?
3)
What do I need in order to let go of this feeling?
4)
Whose problem is this, really? How much is mine? How much is theirs?
5) What is the unspoken message I infer
from the situation? (e.g. they don't like me, they don't respect me.)
By asking one’s self these questions
anger from the situation can be better understood and managed. This will help
lead to positive outcomes of an angry situation that may have gotten out of
hand and lead to negative outcomes for both parties.
In my career as a manager of a
restaurant there has been many times where I have felt anger with my employees,
venders, and customers. These situations usually ended up with me putting my
emotions in to check by following a type of system similar to the one provided
by the Conflict Resolution Network. One particular situation where I became
exceptionally angry not with any of the three mentioned targets above came from
a competitor who was following some of the employees I had placing fliers on
cars in parking lots with an exceptional anniversary special who had removed
the flyer and replaced it with one of their own. After I calmed myself down I
sat in my office and jotted down a few key reasons I was angry with this
competitor and called the offender during their dinner rush on a Friday night.
Because I understood what I was angry at, and I had given myself a moment to
reflect on my desired outcome I was able to approach the situation with the
same heat and passion I had when I initially found out the infraction but I was
able to pin point it and stay on target during the confrontation, which really
left the District Manager of my competitor, who happened to be in the store,
speechless.
The unethical practices of the
competing restaurant, though not illegal, can lead to some questionable
situations where employees may feel uncomfortable working for that company.
Ethics plays a large part in the
creation and resolution of conflict. Integrations, a company that allows you to engage with a partnership that
models and practices effective and accountable teaming and communication states
on their Ethics and conflict Resolution web page that “understanding ethical
dilemmas is a powerful tool in resolving conflict,”(Integrations, 2011) . Chris
Gilbert, MDR, wrote in a presentation for Ethics in Conflict Management that
there are four paradigms of ethical dilemmas; truth versus loyalty, individual
versus community, short-term versus long-term, and justice versus mercy
(Gilbert, 2007). In the presentation Gilbert presented an idea from Rushworth
Kidder which offered that “instead of feeling stuck in a choice between
violating your ethics and doing something painful but ethical, he suggests
exploring if there is a third, unexplored option; the third way forward;
trilemma,” (Gilbert, 2007). Gilbert also states that there are nine checkpoints
for ethical decision making including gathering for relevant facts and
reflecting and revisiting the decision made (Gilbert, 2007).
It is not always easy to recognize
an ethical dilemma in the work place. An act as trivial as borrowing the
company computers to search for new vehicles on company time may not seem like
an unethical action alone, but in the great scheme of work place actions, if
every employee were to participate in this action once a day productivity for
the company would go down, effecting the company’s bottom line, potentially
placing that company in a situation where people and positions may need to be
eliminated to keep costs down. This may
sound like a butterfly effect for business, but it can and does happen.
In my business I have to wrestle
with employees that justify acting in an unethical way all the time. Most of
these actions are reasoned away by the employee’s conscience by telling
themselves that “it is just five minutes of time, we are not that busy,” or
“the store won’t notice a few dollars missing from the till because we were so
busy and I worked so hard.” I have had an occasion where I managed a store on a
Friday night, and at the close of business I found that I was missing over one
hundred dollars. Upon further investigation I saw that this store has been
short every day for the past few weeks and nothing was being done. I made a note to call my Area Supervisor
about the problem in the store. When I got the opportunity to talk to him about
my concerns for working in this location my chief point was the outrageous cash
shortages. My area supervisor told me he knew exactly what the problem was;
every employee felt entitled to extra compensation because the store was so
busy and they were getting paid only as much as the employees in slower
locations. This was an ethical dilemma for me as well as for him. I know he was
grappling with putting the correct manager in the store that could handle the
situation without letting his superiors know that there was a large problem on
his hands. He also was not in a position to terminate every employee because of
how crucial the store was to company wide sales goals. Ultimately, after
several long talks with the Area Supervisor, I decided to take over the store,
enact strict cash handling procedures and terminate any and all employees who
could not agree that what they were doing was wrong. I did have a trump card
though; I was given the ability to adequately pay the employees who work that
hardest to try and compensate them for the extra effort they were expected to
contribute.
The climate those employees worked
in allowed them to get by committing unethical actions without consequences. As
soon as the climate changed their actions were seen for what they were and
conflict resolution could begin.
The climate in a conflict situation
can be as important as the conflict situation itself. “depending on the event
or place, there is a climate or an atmosphere that makes one feel comfortable
or uncomfortable in a psychological as well as physical sense,” (Cahn &
Abigail, 2007). Or, climate sets the
tone for actions that are about to or are going to take place. For instance,
there is a feeling of calm and peace when someone enters a massage therapy
center. Because of the soft music or the running waterfall, a tranquility can
be imagined that is hard to duplicate, or the feeling of energy a person gets
from a live concert that is rocking the show is second to none. But the massage
therapy center would seem out of place at a rock show and hard heavy metal music
would seem very out of place being played during a Swedish massage. For these
same reasons it is important to recognize how climate can affect a conflict
situation.
If in a conflict situation and the
best ways to change an uncomfortable climate situation is to try and change
either the location of the conflict, to try and disarm the threat of
competition, show that there is not a power move being played, and to try and
reinforce positive emotions that can contribute to a positive climate and
potential outcomes of the conflict situation. One tactic that can be used is to
acknowledge that there is a conflict and that specific time needs to be set
aside to handle the situation. This gives people the ability to gather their
thoughts, take notes, and prepare for the confrontation. It also changes the
climate by providing an outlet for the conflict, even though the outlet is at a
later time.
There was one time where the climate
in one of my stores was so tense that no one could get any work done for fear
of being fired. The reason for the intense climate was a deposit had come up
missing. The general practice was for the closing manager to take the deposit
straight to the back at the end of the shift and throw it in to the deposit box
while being accompanied by the closing delivery driver. This time the procedure
was not followed. The store was having a cleaning party in anticipation of an
upcoming inspection and there were five or six additional team members in the
store at the time of close. They all took the deposit to the bank, but none of
them were a shift runner. The deposit ended up missing because of a clerical
error with the company that handled bank deposits at the drop box (you would
think the bank handled those). To diffuse the situation I held an immediate
mandatory meeting explaining the situation and preparing the employees for what
was diffidently going to be a write up for the manager in charge, myself, and
could potentially be a termination clearing house if the deposit did not come
up. I promised to let them know what ever information came to me immediately
and to be complexly open with them. Because of this we were able to go on with
our day and we were all eventually cleared of any wrong doing. I was forgiven
by my area supervisor at the time and, even though I was written up, I forgave
him for implying that I may have stolen the money.
Forgiveness is not an easy thing for
a lot of people to do. However, studies have shown that the lack of forgiving
and not being forgiven necessarily can have positive implications on the health
of individuals. Cahn and Abigail write that by “placing and holding the blame
on other people, we relinquish our control over our emotions and give that
control to another,” (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, Ch. 10). By holding grudges we
allow those people to trigger emotional reactions that we otherwise do not
feel. Forgiveness is linked to viewing yourself as healthier (Cahn &
Abigail, 2007, Ch. 10) and to experiencing levels of lower pain (Cahn &
Abigail, 2007, Ch. 10).
Forgiveness can help conflict
situations by acknowledging that another person has wronged caused a
wrongdoing, but they may not have understood that what they did was wrong.
Also, it gives the “victim” a chance to try and understand the perpetrator and
to see the conflict through their point of view. Forgiveness allows the
individual to accept different viewpoints and the ability to accept a possible
change without disturbing their values; their way of thinking may have been
better.
All conflict begins and ends. It is
how the conflict is handled and what may be learned from the situation that
matters most. Take the following scenario for example:
Joe
gets a new job. On his first day he meets several employees and one of them in
particular, Frank, takes Joe aside and proceeds to tell him that there are
several rules and regulations that the company is going to try and enforce.
Frank suggests that instead of looking to the company handbook for guidance on
how to handle tasks such as expense reports and time card logging, Joe come to
him because “what the book sais and what actually goes on are two different
things.” When Joe gets a chance to go on his first overnight trip Frank is his
partner. Joe notices Frank logging very expensive meals while not actually purchasing
them. When Joe asked a question frank replied by saying “what the company does
not know will not hurt them.” When the two get back for their trip Joe is
immediately pulled in to the managing partner’s office and asked several
questions about his expense report. The manager stated that “Frank’s expense
report is so much large than yours I was wondering if you know how to do one of
these or if you just forgot about it during your trip and made one up on your
way home.”
Joe has several conflicts to manage
here. To get started Joe must quickly define what conflicts need to be handled
immediately. Joe decides that he must focus his attention on his correct
expense report and the faulty one Frank turned in. Joe also decides that he is
going to inform management about the conversation Frank had with Joe on his
first day.
Joe knows that there are several
ethical problems going on here and he feels secure knowing that his ethics and
his value system match that of the company. Joe did not take the job to steal
from the company, and he genuinely likes his job because of the positive
advancement opportunities it has. Joe point out to management the things Frank
has been doing and he assured management that he was going to turn frank in,
but that he was going to do so through the proper channels so as not to upset
the line of communication within the company.
The climate Joe is facing is
intense, but because Joe is being calm and not breaking under the pressure, or
getting angry at management for failing to see that there are employees who are
intentionally fluffing their expense reports. Joe feels that the climate is
appropriate but that he could have been notified of the meeting before it was
sprung on him.
Joe is not feeling any anger at the
situation. He is frustrated and a bit confused as to why they would accuse him
right away but by asking appropriate questions Joe finds out that the company
had suspected Frank, along with others, of participating in these practices and
that is why they sprung the meeting on him.
Joe does not hold any resentment or
anger towards Frank and Joe easily forgives Frank for the inconvenience he has
caused Joe. Joe also forgives management for the way they handled this
situation and feels that because of this his chances for promotion have
increased.
There will always be conflict to
handle and situations to confront. An understanding of what conflict and why it
occurs, how ethics can impact decisions mate in conflict situations, how stress
and anger can be beneficial to conflict, how the climate of a conflict
situation can add to the conflict itself, and how forgiveness can be achieved
in conflict while proving beneficial to the forgiver can greatly increase the
chances of having beneficial conflict that allows for growth.
References
Cahn,
D.D., & Abigail, R.A. (2007). Managing conflict through communication (4th
ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson
Education, Inc. ISBN: 978-0-205-68556-1
Conflict
Resolution Network (2012). CR Kit. Retrieved January 30, 2012 from http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=12#skill_6
Davidson,
J & Wood, C. (2004). A Conflict Resolution Model. Theory into Practice. Ohio
State University College of Education. Retrieved January 30, 2012 from Project
Muse.
Garver,
J. (2012). Aristotle on Anger: Ancient Greek Ethics and Practices of the Self.
Retrieved January 30, 2012 from http://www.joelgarver.com/writ/phil/aristotle.htm
Gilbert,
C. (2007). Ethics for Conflict Management. Retrieved January 30, 2012 from http://freecle.com/gilbertwritten.pdf
Integrations
(2011). Ethics and Conflict Resolution. Retrieved January 30, 2012 from http://www.integr8.com/Ethics%20Workshops.htm
Vernezze,
P (2008). Moderation or the Middle Way: Two Approaches to Anger. Philosophy East and West. University of
Hawaii Press. Retrieved from Project Muse on January 30, 2012